Violence has not gender

A daughter kills her mother

Thursday December 24, 2009

Dear Alice

I translated in Polish some pages (one story of a 18 years old girl who

murder her mother, there are others such stories of Maria Rita Parsis'

patients) from Maria Rita Parsi book Cuore di mostro (Monster's heart)

because I want to be publish this book here in Poland maybe you still

remember Polish.

AM: I was shaken to the core by the story you sent me, thank you for having done it. I am afraid that the mother who was killed by her daughter is not a big exception, there are many women who keep the secret of the mistreatments they suffered in their childhood at the cost of their many children, they destroy their lives without a second thought so that they must not be recalled on the torture they once survived themselves. What is indeed an exception in this story is the precise description of the diabolic character of this woman that her daughter presents here. Most children are absolutely unable to SEE a mother like that so clearly. For that reason you can send us the Italian version of this text, if you want to. - F ORUM

Panic attacks

Friday March 06, 2009

Dear Alice,

Last week I watched, on Italian TV, a program telling about attacks of

panic with participating of actors, journalists and others Italian VIP who

admitted to suffer of panic attacks - no one know and understand the

causes of it's problem, even the psychiatrist, taking part in this program,

was capable to explain clearly the causes.

I try to find some information about it on the internet but there is nothing

convincing me. During the program one thing surprised me very much, because

one women, an actor, said that she (very anxious normally) get panic

attack even when she feel strong emotions of happiness and gave an example,

it happened to her once when her husband, a film director, win a premium,

she felt very happy but get panic attack and she added that once it happens

to her even after she made love with her husband.

Can you explain on forum the mechanism of panic attacks, why it can happen

even if you think you feel happy, I will be very grateful.

Best regards, SG

AM: Panic attacks are always connected to traumatic childhood experiences. If we have access to our history we can sometimes easily find the memory and the triggers in the presence that explain the fear so that the fear disappears. In your example the woman feels panic after a happy experience. It CAN be that one of her parents or both envied her for her gifts and her success in school, in sport etc and critisised or ridiculed her after each achievement. Then, instead of being happy she felt bad, ashamed, guilty, and in her brain pleasure became connected with pain. The adult can later suffer from panic attacks after having been successful. The introjected parent repeats then what the real parent did to the child by destroying her pleasure out of pure envy. Is this understandable to you? - FORUM

Panic attacks and talking

Tuesday September 01, 2009

Dear Alice

My mother is 86 years old and suffered and continue to suffer of panic
attacks - as you can imagine she was always treated by medicine for heart
or stomach disease and now when she get older her panic attacks become
often.
Before, she never heard about panic attacks, first time I told her last year
about it (we was not in contact for a long time) when we get in touch again
I told her that she have panic attacks - she listens to me and wants to
know and understand and be off this panic attacks.
She read one of your books last year (I gave it to her) and I wonder if
reading yours other books can help her even if she is so old. What is your
opinion?? What can help here? What can I do for her ? She is open to do
something . I will appreciate very much if you give me some advice.

Best regards, SG

AM: It is never too late for the truth if one really WANTS to know it. Let your mother talk to you about her childhood, what she suffered of, then she will find out what the panic attacks have to tell her, and this understanding can help her to overcome the fear. Otherwise, in the full denial, she doesn't know what she is scared of, and this is VERY PAINFUL. Knowing the reason of one`s fear can be very relieving. But it is possible that she will refuse to talk about her childhood, then you can't do anything. Don't try to force her. - FORUM

Maria Rita Parsi

Friday September 07, 2007

Dear Alice,

Could you please spend some words on your forum about grandfathers and grandmothers. I have some friends who have terrible parents and they admit this but say also that their grandparents were very lovely to them. I wonder how it could be possible? Maybe others reading your forum wonder the same.

Best regards, S.G.

PS. Sorry that I again write about Maria Rita Parsi (Italy) but I would like to understand better so please be kind enough dedicate some of your

time to read my translation and say me what you thing about her - I will be very gratefull if you or Barbara will answer me.

AM: Thank you for your translation of the ideas of Maria Rita Parsi. I am not sure if I understand them well, but I have the impression that the notion of a "harmful love" still conceals and disguises the simple but very painful and scary fact of abuse. I see the betrayal on the side of the abuser and the illusion of love on the side of the child. To me, real love is never harmful and abuse is never love.

Concerning grandparents I don't like to make general statements. If I don't know the specific family situation I prefer not to make any judgments. - FORUM

It would be interesting to know

Tuesday January 23, 2007

Dear Alice,

I am writing to you again because I was reading, as usually I do, your website and have been very surprise of your observation given to a letter of 20 January written of a woman of 25 years:

“AM: It is rather unusual that a person of your age is ready to confront herself with the tragic story of her childhood. . .”

Can you explain, please, on the website why it’s more difficult for the young than for adults to confront themselves with the past? It should be very interesting for me to know it. I was always convinced that if I should have the possibility to know your books when I was young and not 40 years old I should recover more quickly and did not sufferer a hell. It means that we must suffer a hell before we are able to start to understand things??

I hope, you will have time to explain it to me and others who read your website. I see many young persons around me , women and men in depression or those who continue to be manipulated by theirs parents and feel bad, but they are unable to say stop.

Thanks you again for existing !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and for dedicating your time for all of us who write to you because have problems or like me who read your web site nearly every day and wrote to you to feel that somewhere are others who think like me and so I do not feel alone.

Best regards, S. G.

AM: I can understand well why you question my statement, and I agree with you that it would be better, if we could learn to feel and understand the tragedy of our childhood earlier, at least before we have children. But many people of a younger age are still dependent on their parents, also financially, and they are less motivated to confront them. They may suffer from lies, but they usually hope that everything will be okay once they have their own family, a partner and children. The awakening that the illusions don’t work – because the repressed and thus unresolved memory of their cruel childhood is still in their body – comes later. Then the time has come when it becomes essential to confront ourselves with our truth – essential for our health, even for our life, if we don’t want to fool ourselves by taking antidepressants or choosing beliefs (religious, political or sectarian) that help to maintain our illusions. This is not a rule, of course, as you see, there are still exceptions, but young people sometimes write here very enraged about the manipulations of their parents, they feel suffocated, but live still with the parents who daily make them suffer, and don’t dare to move. In most cases, they are too afraid to see the truth and to take their feelings (THEMSELVES) seriously. As children, they had to learn to never take their feelings seriously, rather to say: it is okay. - FORUM